What it means to Overcome Jealousy
by Susie and Otto Collins, Relationship Coaches
As relationship coaches, we are often asked for
relationship advice
on how to stop jealousy.
When it comes to
overcoming jealousy, no matter how it
shows up in
your life, it doesn't go away until it is acknowledged
and
there is a strong desire to do whatever is necessary to
change and heal it. You also can't point your finger outward
at others. You have to be committed to changing yourself.
You can have jealousy issues
with other people's things, their success,
their beauty, their athletic prowess, their
relationship, their
kids, their education, their money, and their life. It can
be a tiny feeling in your gut or it can be an overwhelming
sensation that drives you to say and do things that you wouldn't
do otherwise. In its extreme, it can lead to
separation and
divorce.
Jealousy can creep in when you least expect it and it's always
a signal to look within and discover what's underneath it.
In fact, jealousy is almost never just about the jealousy itself
and what seems to be happening on the surface like
flirting
with another person. It's usually about whatever is lurking
underneath that needs to be uncovered and dealt with. It
might be a
broken heart from a previous relationship or it
might be low self esteem issues.
Here's a quick example of how jealousy can manifest
itself and a couple of tips for getting to the bottom of it.
One of our coaching clients, Carol, found herself being
jealous of her new boyfriend.
She kept denying her feelings and found that she was
more irritable than usual with the people in her life
and
was making her life miserable.
Carol really knew that she had to do something about
her jealousy when she made an uncharacteristic sarcastic
remark when her new boyfriend was just a few minutes
late for their date.
Carol decided to find out where her jealous feelings
were coming from. She took some time alone to get quiet
and feel what she was feeling and put words to those
feelings.
Then she asked herself some questions like "Why do I
feel threatened?" "What am I fearing will happen?
and "What does this feeling remind me of?"
She wrote her answers as she asked herself these questions
and she was able to get a glimpse of what she needed to
heal within herself.
One thing we know from our own experiences and from the
experiences of our clients is that the first step to changing
anything in your life is first to become aware of your feelings
and the reasons why you want to change.
These are feelings that separate you from other people and
destroy relationship
trust. These feelings may be anger, fear,
sadness, or
anything else that close you down and don't allow
a connection
with those you love.
We've discovered that you can stuff your feelings and deny
that they are there until they become so big that you are forced
to deal with them, or you can acknowledge what you are feeling
and make the commitment that you are ready to have another
experience in your life. You are saying that you are willing to
do what it takes to heal that part of yourself.
If you are having challenges with jealousy or any other strong
emotion that could potentially wreck your
relationships, we
invite you to look underneath and see what the real problem is.
Then you can commit to working on and healing these
challenges and committing to making some changes for
the better in your life.
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